Before I get into her story, I want to share a few take-aways. First off, I was convicted that as a Christian, I don’t always reach out to the people that need it most because I get so caught up in my own life. I may see that somebody is emotionally hurting and lonely but I don’t necessarily devote to them like they need at the time. They may just need somebody to tell them that they are loved or that they are beautiful or that they have a purpose. Or maybe they just need somebody to spend time with them. I can think of several people I’ve let down in this regard because of my selfishness. If Christians can’t show the love of Christ to others then why should we be surprised when somebody turns from the Faith (or avoids it all together) and devotes their attention to the people that will love them in a way that they need to be loved? Our investment in them could be just want they need to keep them grounded and away from something dangerous in their future.
Second thing I took away from Sarah’s story is that nobody is too far from God for Him to rescue or restore or make something beautiful out of. It’s so easy for us to look at people who are struggling with issues that we aren’t and think that they are beyond God’s grace. Nobody is too far from God’s healing hand. Anyway, I don’t want to waste your time reading my thoughts, I want you to read Sarah’s story and my prayer is that you will be changed and encouraged by her life.
Isaiah 43: 19 "For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."
I grew up in a fairly good home. My mom was always so loving, thoughtful, affectionate...she fought hard to have us in church every week and there was no shortage of "Jesus talk" on her end. When I was in fifth grade I won an essay contest out of my entire school on why not to do drugs. I had no thoughts about using. I didn’t have a desire to grow up and be a drug addict.
In middle school I was introduced to the Lord but I decided to do things backwards. I hated school and the cliques that accompanied it. I was an ok student, but was not interested in my education. I was bullied for my weight and it became such an issue, I formed a real lack of self-esteem. I formed a false image of myself, basing it on what others said. After meeting with the principal on more than one occasion, nothing was done. This furthered my bad attitude. During this time, I was involved in church. My mom made me join choir and therefore I resented her. I had accepted Christ at a young age but did not understand the definition of a personal relationship. There was no intimacy there. I put on a facade while I was in church. My sister was the older, popular, funnier one and I was just her little sister. I felt as though I had no genuine friendships there. Once again, I was believing lies and letting those Satan-driven stories determine the direction I went.
In high school I had had enough. I had a small group of friends that I trusted, but even then I was not happy. I was on the yearbook staff and my fellow classmates would joke that I was mad at the world. I was never mad, just misunderstood. I didn't care about college and was lucky to get in on the last SAT testing. My score was less than great and I could only find acceptance to a couple of local schools. My mom had been drilling in to my head that college was the only choice. Successful people went to college, and if you didn't get a degree then life would be hard. I don't think she ever meant it in a mean or derogatory way, she was just stubborn and headstrong about certain beliefs she held. I had started dabbling in drugs in high school but as soon as I graduated things accelerated. I had worked in a retail clothing store for most of high school. My senior year I had discovered indoor tanning. If you know about tanning salons, you know that they attract some less than desirable clientele. It ranges from high class housewives and executives to exotic dancers and drug addicts. This was where I first met Sadie*.
Sadie was my good friend Jack's* new girlfriend. She was blonde, beautiful and high. The very first time I met her she handed me an ecstasy pill and said, "Hi! I'm Sadie, let's be friends!" I was taken aback by her outgoing attitude and her generous spirit. Sure it may have been a drug she gave me, but an expensive one at that. From then on, Sadie and I would become close and I would experience things with her that shook me to the core. Jack immediately asked if I liked her. I told him I liked her, but inside I was still a bit cautious. Now Jack was a responsible guy. He worked in business and had a nice home and things were put together in his life. His downfall was strippers. I don't say that to be ugly, it's just that he attracted and was attracted to women that had drug habits and spent their nights dancing for dollars. They were sweet girls, his last girlfriend I had loved.
Soon after, I began hanging out at Jack's house where Sadie had moved in. She was always awake, on the go, into something. I soon discovered her first love in life was methamphetamine. I had tried meth a few years prior but had mainly stuck with cocaine for pep in my step. This was different. This stuff was strong. I was still overweight and soon after I began using, the pounds literally melted away, at one point I was down to 98lbs. We snorted the drug, drank, chased pills and liquid G, also known as the date rape drug, GHB. She bought a Lexus and always had men around her. She had money to spare and was so popular, I relished the fact I was her close friend. There was more to the story than I knew. Sadie was a madame. She arranged paid sex between men and women, and would soon be paid for sex herself. But more than that, she sold meth. Sadie once pulled out a Ziploc freezer bag of the stuff. Large, pure pieces of dope. She was paradise to the addicted. About this time a new device for using meth arrived on the scene. Called an oil burner in stores, it was just a glass pipe used for smoking meth. She introduced me to this new way of getting high and things continued to spiral from there. She once spent an entire 24 hours in a Super Wal-Mart. Jack called me to go get her and when I arrived she was a mess. She had put frozen items in her buggy the night before that had melted. She took me to the bathroom where we smoked dope in a stall next to an employee. She didn't care about consequences, or just didn't think about them. After spending about $1200 in the store, I finally got her to her car where we headed to her and Jack's new apartment. We got high all afternoon. That was the first time she mentioned paid sex to me. Now you must know that even though I was deep in dope, I remained a virgin. Very hard to believe myself, but the True Love Waits lessons I had been taught in church as a young teen were stuck in my head. I was wild and irresponsible but scared of sex I guess. I quickly shut the idea down and we continued to try on make up and clothes while smoking meth. The thing about this drug is that you can spend 8 hours cleaning out your car but all you have really accomplished is polishing the dashboard. True story.
My friendship with Sadie deepened and she soon became involved in a local Mexican drug cartel. She was receiving and selling firearms and semi-automatic weapons. She had also strayed from Jack and began to sleep with various men. She was rail thin and her face was torn to pieces. No longer the blonde, blue-eyed beauty I had met, she was a picture of addiction. Around this time I became more involved in other circles of drug users I had met through her. She was jealous and felt I owed her an allegiance. But she scared me. The risks she took and the things I saw were more than I bargained for. I just wanted to get high and have fun.
I continued work at the tanning salon, hosting late night smoking parties and free tans for my new group of friends, mostly guys. Not one of them ever hit on me or petitioned me for sex. They were like brothers. They had my back and I felt a loyalty to them. Still a virgin, I met a customer named Jason* who pursued me until I met him one night for a movie. That night changed me. Even thought he had a girlfriend, he decided to persuade me to be his lady. I was not interested. That night I was raped, as a virgin, and in my confusion and anger, I threw my fist up at God. Now I just didn't care. I felt as a 20 year old virgin I had now been "initiated."
The next several years were a haze. I was arrested by my own father. I would have a couple of months of sobriety before hitting the drug-blazed path again. I met newer and bigger drug dealers. I was in deep and I liked it. I was also diagnosed with a heart problem and put on medication that was to act as an adrenaline blocker. I began using meth intravenously. I used any and every drug there was. I was a full blown junkie and God was still protecting me. Because I had given my heart to Christ at a young age, I was different. Yes, I lied and manipulated but God maintained what he began in me...I just couldn't see it.
After a total of about ten years in active addiction, God decided it was time for me to come back to Him. I was hospitalized in September 2008, with a drug-induced illness. I spent 3 days under observation before moving into a homeless shelter. After a couple of months there, I was accepted into a faith-based program in town. Even though I came to the program voluntarily I was bitter, stubborn, and daydreaming of my drug use in between classes. My time at Renewal was a time packed with emotions of all sorts. I experienced the first bit of genuine joy I had felt in so long I did not even remember. I also became completely broken and had to face so many degrees of shame, guilt, resentment and just about every negative emotion one can feel. It is overwhelming. I applaud any lady that comes through those doors and is supplied with the courage from our Heavenly Father to face the ugliness of addiction. It is like having a mirror held in front of you and your sins. You can’t medicate. You can’t hide. And eventually, you can’t lie to yourself anymore. Praise God for curses that can be broken. There is no feeling greater than experiencing a true change of your own heart. When God’s desires become your own. When you practice forgiveness and like it. When you are eager to walk daily with God. When in a moment of self, God humbles you and you realize that the God of this universe, the creator of everything, is working on you personally, at that moment. I felt closer to my Heavenly Father while I was at Renewal than I ever have in any church pew or on any mission trip. I became genuinely excited about God. I saw Him restoring what the locusts had eaten, what I thought I’d never get back. I felt what it was like to be truthful with not only others, but myself. I had hope. I was able to go back to the little girl I was, standing there reading my winning essay and say, “I’m sorry. You did not deserve this and I love you.” But most of all, the number one question I asked God daily was: “Are you proud of me?” And today I know that I, Sarah Kastner, put a smile on His face.
After 6 intense months, I graduated and moved into transitional housing while starting a new job at a coffee shop. As much as I felt sensitive to the world and nervous about re-joining society, I felt equipped. I felt that everything I needed, physically and emotionally, was fulfilled through God’s use of Renewal. So much happened for me during my initial recovery process that it would take pages and pages to articulate and explain how God moved in me and what He taught me. I learned how to accept HIS truth, not my own. I discovered how to truly forgive others, even if they had no intention of asking for it. I faced demons I had dealt with since childhood. I overcame trauma that was not only done to me by others, by done to me by myself. I learned how to pay bills and pay them on time. I met what would be my future husband at my new job. I learned how to have fun and find activities that did not include getting high. I learned how to face problems, not run from them. One of the wonderful things about Renewal is a continued network of support and encouragement after you complete the program. The counselors and staff continue to invest in you, even after you’ve left the building. And to me, that is what the love of Christ looks like.
God has done so many thrilling things for me since I left transition. I married a Godly man this past December and the staff at Miracle Hill that had seen me through the toughest time of my life, were there to celebrate with me. What a gift that was! I had never been in a relationship with a believer so at first, I wasn’t so sure I liked it. It was different. He was polite. He had never been to jail and had a job, his own home and a car! Before I knew it, I wondered why I had not ever let myself be deserving of something so wonderful and pure. Because as a daughter of the most High God, I deserved it! One of the most amazing things I have seen in my marriage is how God Almighty demonstrates his love for me everyday through this man. And one of the most earth-shattering and joyous occasions of my life was the first time I prayed with him. What a gift God gives us to be able to pray with our spouse and lay bare our selves to one another. My husband has also stepped along side me to give back to this ministry. I now lead a ministry teaching women about renewed virginity for those who spent years in sexual sin that accompanied their drug addiction. God can make that area of these women’s lives new, too. I think it is important for these women to see what it looks like for a Godly man to serve a woman. My husband was able to come to one of the transitional houses recently when I presented the girls with their rings as a promise to remain pure and married to Jesus first. He cooked them dinner, prayed over them, and he loved every minute of it. Praise You Lord for your timing, not mine! Praise you Lord for your trials, for the pain and suffering I have felt. Praise you Lord for your unending love for me.
God proves his faithfulness to me every hour of every day. I feel a love that I never knew existed. I sincerely desire a relationship with Him that works both ways. I have seen my rebellious spirit dwindle away and usher in an obedient heart. I set and enforce boundaries in a Christ-like way. Most of all, I am living. I am finally living a life for Him, not for my selfish worldly desires. I am now able to look in the mirror, and smile back. Romans 8:28 is played out in my life everyday. When people ask me if I would change anything, my answer is honestly, "No." While I am not proud of some mistakes I made, God allowed that journey for me. He ordained those hardships and if He had not, where would I be now? I have experienced a kind of freedom many Christians will not because of the bondage I was in. I praise God for the addiction, rape, trauma, sin...He has used those things to build me up and bring me back. My character is something that I am proud of today and I could not have said that before. Because of my story, I have experienced joy, for the first time in my life.
Thank you Father for moving me where you had to in order to break my heart for you. Thank you for your sacrifice and for the love you show me even when I have a bad attitude. I am not perfect and will always be working on myself as a woman, wife, recovering addict, and most importantly, a child of God.
*Names have been changed.
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If you'd like to share your Testimony so that others can grow from your experiences, email me triciacartner{at}hotmail{dot}com
