Half of my Life

***Warning - I'm not going to lie, this post is a sad one but it is my heart and it is therapuetic for me to open it up to you all.  I'm not looking for pity by writing this but rather expressing emotions that I have dealt with for the last half of my life.***

Linda Johns Toy

August 31, 1954 - October 19, 1996

As I mentioned in an earlier post, this year is a big anniversary for me in regards to my mom's death.  I was 14 when mom died, I'm now 28.  That means I have now been living without her as long as I ever got to live with her.  It's a hard realization and no matter how long I go without, I will never forget those precious 14 years I had with her.  I want to thank all of you who stood by my side during that freshman year of high school.  Several of you continue to be an important part of my life.  I'm sure some of you still remember those sad days as easily as I do.  Mom was such a sweet, caring, silly, bright, happy lady and her personality was contagious.  She had a lot of friends and her death not only impacted me but many, many others.  I hope she is remembered for all of her great qualities but most importantly her deep love for Jesus.  If I could have a word with her this is what I'd say...

Mom,

I can't believe you've been gone for 14 years now.  I will NEVER forget you and I thank you for the times we had together.  I thank you for your grace and love towards me and Brad even when we were difficult.  I thank you for your compassion.  I still remember the time we had an argument before school when I was in elementary school.  You dropped me off (I was still upset) but sometime later I was called to the Principal's office to receive a message from you simply saying, "I love you."  I thank you for your honesty during your sickness and I thank you for fighting with all of your might.  I thank you for reminding me that Jesus has a plan and that even if He chose not to heal you that He was still sovereign.  I thank you for encouraging me not to get angry at God and to stay grounded.  I thank you for your love for Daddy and how your marriage together only brings back happy memories in my mind.  I thank you for your last letters to me because when I need to hear your voice I can pull them out and feel like you are speaking to me.  I thank you for the beautiful mother-daughter relationship we had.  Where we could talk and confide in one another and we were best friends.  Every year since you have been gone has been laced with moments when I needed and wanted you by my side.  I missed you during my first high school heart breaks.  I missed you reprimanding me when I brought home less than stellar grades.  I missed singing duets together at church.  I missed you cheering for me on the soccer field, especially when we won state championships.  I missed you beaming with pride as Brad escorted me on Homecoming Court.  I missed introducing you to Jacob and I missed you watching us fall in love.  I missed you helping me get ready for his prom and a year later my prom.  I missed you at my high school graduation and I missed you moving me into my dorm my freshman year of college.  I missed receiving care packages from you at Clemson because I still remember how when I would go to church camp for a week you would mail cards so that I would receive one every day.  I missed calling home to tell you about how awful architecture school was and I missed you at my college graduation.  I missed celebrating with you when I got engaged and I missed wedding dress shopping and planning my big day with you but more importantly I missed seeing you on the front row as I walked down the aisle to my best friend.  I missed your encouragement as Jacob and I hiked the Appalachian Trail and I missed you climbing Mt. Katahdin with us at the end.  I missed you moving me to Memphis.  I missed telling you about my first job and my first lay off.  I missed your support as I served on various mission projects, especially in Indonesia because I know you had a heart for service too.  I missed Thanksgivings and Christmases with you.  I missed you holding me as I mourned my first pregnancy loss BUT the thing I miss most of all is watching you hold my babies and watching you grandmother them.  You would adore them as much as you adored me.  And though I have had moments of sadness over the last half of my life...I want you to know that God HAS been SO good to us and provided many moments of happiness.  You would be so proud of the way Daddy took care of me and Brad and how he displayed grace in his parenting with us.  He supported us in our hobbies and provided alternatives when he wasn't too keen on our interests (like the time I wanted my belly button pierced he took me to get my ear pierced again instead).  I know he didn't sign up to be a single dad but he certainly took it without complaint.  God provided some amazing women in my life that I know you would forever be grateful to and God has provided a new wife for Daddy.  A woman that I know you would love.  It's hard to believe that as the days go on, my life will now be full of more days without you than with you but I promise that until my death, I will never, ever forget you.  Thank you for telling me about Jesus so that one day I can see you again as we sings praises to our Saviour side by side.  I look forward to doing cartwheels down the golden streets with you one day!  I love you. 

***If your reading this and your mom is still living, go tell her you love her and give her a hug if you live close enough.  Thank her for your relationship and the things she does for you.  I know that not every mother-daughter/son relationship is as healthy as mine was but I guarantee every mom out there has made at least one sacrifice that she deserves to be thanked for. You are so blessed to have her, don't ever forget that.***

a Wedding, a Hospital Trip & a Visit to a Friend

Whew, what a whirlwind couple of days we had last weekend.  Our weekend started Saturday morning as we drove to Knoxville to celebrate alongside Helen and Mike as they got married.  Helen and I worked together at LRK and she is such a sweet friend.  We were supposed to meet Sally & Clarence to go camping/hiking in the Smokies after the wedding but we got a call before the wedding saying they wouldn't be able to make it because Clarence had fallen off his bike while riding 63(!) miles.  By the time we were heading to the reception we found out that Clarence had broken his clavicle, broken a few ribs and injured a lung...much more serious than we originally thought.  Jacob and I decided it would be best to go to Greenville and see him so we headed there after the wedding, arriving at the hospital around 12:30a.m.  The next few days the cousins played while we made trips to the hospital to check on Papa.  He was in great spirits despite his condition.  Jacob was already scheduled to fly out of Greenville for a conference in Baltimore so I had planned on visiting my friends Joe & Meredith in Nashville on the way home.  Their little girl Anna Beth was one of Dakota's good buddies when they lived in Memphis.  Dakota was ecstatic to see her friend and I really enjoyed having some girl time with Mere.  We stayed for 2 nights and then made it back to Memphis in time for me to finish up a sewing order that had to be delivered Wednesday evening.  Whew.  Yes it was a lot for one little weekend.  Papa ended up spending almost a week in the hospital as they waited for the lung to recover and he is now facing a surgery tomorrow morning (10/19) to repair his broken clavicle.  Please say a prayer for him as he still has quite a recovery period to undergo.
Things aren't going to slow down just yet...we've got a birthday to celebrate, Halloween, a craft show and then it seems like Thanksgiving and Christmas will be here before we can blink.  I love a busy life though.  Keeps me on my toes!

I was born in Knoxville just a few months prior to the World's Fair in 1982.

 Helen & Mike asked me to make a monogrammed table runner for their cake to sit on.

 Dakota was pretty stoked about her loot!

 Chick-Fil-A is a good way to entertain little ones in a hospital waiting room!

 Curly & Blondie

 We really enjoyed frozen yogurt at Sweet CeCe's in downtown Franklin.  You get the yogurt and toppings by yourself and then pay by the ounce.  Dakota was DONE taking pictures.  Ha.

Encouragement from a Child

When my mom died 14 years ago her body was donated to science,  then cremated.  In the busyness and grief after her death we never got the ashes back from Duke to properly bury her.  Most of the time I am ok with that since I know she is really in Heaven with Jesus, but sometimes I do wish I had "that place". 

Mom loved her job and the people she worked with and they loved her.  Shortly after she died they held a little ceremony and presented us with a bench in her memory.  Since this year is such a big anniversary for me, I wanted to take the kids to the bench for some pictures.  I hadn't been to the site in a long time and I wondered if it would even still be there.  I wasn't quite sure how I was going to react emotionally if it was gone.  It was still there and I took some pictures of the kids on it and I read the inscription to Dakota that says, "In Memory of Linda Toy 8/31/54 - 10/19/96".  My heart was sad and I wanted to sit on the bench and cry but something about being a mother made me want to protect my children from seeing me hurt.  At just the right moment, Dakota began tracing the letters in the marble with her little finger and said, "For. God. So Loved. Linda. Toy" and soothed my heart in a way that no tears could.  Yes, baby girl...God does love Linda Toy and I thank you for reminding me of that.  Thank you God for placing such precious words on my daughter's lips at a time I needed it most.

Gardening: More Herbs & Some Green Stuff

We picked up some basil plants at Home Depot and so far have been able to keep them alive.  I've already made some delicious pesto with them and am looking forward to trying some more new recipes.  The rosemary and lemon thyme plants I got from a friend who broke off a sprig from her plants.  I successfully rooted them in cups of water and we transferred them to the dirt this week.  Let's hope they make it!  I was not as successful in rooting her oregano.  I'll try again another time.  We planted the broccoli and lettuce mix from seeds so it is exciting to see them popping up through the soil.  Unfortunately we bought some top soil that seems to have been tainted with something because we now have an immense amount of weeds coming up.  It's sort of frustrating because we don't want to pull anything in fear that it's something we actually planted.  Oh well.  Lesson learned.  The cilantro and cabbage from the earlier post are doing very well.  Hopefully by the end of October I'll be making some stuffed cabbage.

God Stories: Formula

I don't believe in luck, karma, coincidence.  I believe in a loving God who reveals himself to me in the little things and the big things in life.  I want my life to be a testament of His grace and mercy.  Jacob and I have been blown away so many times in our marriage yet we are always surprised when it happens.  I'm not sure why we are surprised, maybe because sometimes we have such little faith...even when He is faithful.  Anyway, I want to share these stories with you as they happen...I might also dig into my memory bank and share some older stories (I've got lots!).  He loves you too and He cares for you as much as He cares for me.  Try looking for the little "wow-moments" in your life.  Maybe you've never noticed them before...but they're there.

So...I went on a trip this past weekend in which I left my children with their Gigi.  My stash of milk for little man has dwindled and I knew I was going to have to buy some formula (for the first time ever) to get him through the weekend.  I made my pre-trip shopping list and set it aside until I could get out of the house.  That VERY afternoon (only a few hours after I made my list but before I went shopping) I went to get the mail and in the mail was a full can of formula!  This was the first sample I have received since Corban was born so it's not like I get them in the mail everyday.  Thank you Enfamil for the sample and for being a channel in which God could make me smile.  That may not be a big deal to you but it was to me :).

Classic: Boy Eats Dirt

God made dirt and dirt don't hurt...right? 

Thanks for tilling the soil for our basil Corban.

Family Outing: Zoo + Soda Shop

Jacob treated us to the zoo and lunch this week (on a Thursday!).  We love the zoo and are thankful for a membership that allows us to go whenever we want.  It's one of Dakota's favorite places and she always looks forward to going.  I tried to get her to wear her bathing suit so she could splash around (seeing as it is still close to 100 degrees) and she told me, "I'm going to the zoo to see the animals."  Of course.  Why else would you go to the zoo??

Little man wants to walk so bad...but he also knows how fast he can get around on those knees.  Maybe soon!!

We've never seen the elephants do anything but stand around and kick up dirt so it was fun to see this girl swimming around.

After Dakota started asking strangers for food we decided it was time we left and bought her some lunch.  She really wanted Chick-fil-a since we have gone there several times after our zoo trips but Jacob had a special place he wanted to take us.  We dined at Wiles-Smith Drugstore, the oldest independent drugstore in Memphis and the only drugstore/soda shop left.  Dakota forgot all about CFA and enjoyed her grilled cheese and momma's chocolate milkshake.  Thanks for sharing this little gem with us Jacob.

Corban's blue eyes said, "Momma...can I puuuleeaase have some of your milkshake??"  He's irresistible.

Sewing: Table Runner?

I finally got around to sewing a treat for myself and our new (if we've been here 6 months is it still new??) home.  I want to write a whole post about our house even if it is a little late.  Some of you may not know the whole story of why we ended up moving where we did, why we didn't build and why we sold our other property.  I want to make sure I document it though because it's a beautiful story of God's providence and protection and love for our little family.  I'll put it on my to-do list for next week.  How's that?? 

Anyway, Jacob and I love antiques, we love hand-me-downs, we love refurbishing junk and we love hand-crafted pieces (especially James Cartner originals!).  Since this house is one we plan on being in as long as God has us in Memphis we are trying to consciously fill it with furniture we really adore, furniture that means something to us or furniture that has a story.

The first piece I am sharing with you is my mom's old sewing machine table that is now serving as my bedside table.  This table is special because a) it belong to my mother and I want to hold on to her as long as possible and b) it housed the sewing machine (a 1970's Singer) that I learned on about 6 years ago.  When it needed a good (and costly) servicing I decided to upgrade since I knew this was a hobby I would stick with.  Jacob and I refinished the wood when we moved to Memphis and I love the honey color and the simplicity of the form and hardware.

Ok, so I started rambling about the furniture but really this post was to show you my little project that I made for the table.  I have a slight obsession with fabric so when I find something I love, I like to buy a small amount and figure something out to do with it.  Most of my "me" fabric is still waiting to be used since I usually don't have time to make myself anything (wah,wah,wah).  I finally set some other projects aside and treated myself to a little thingy (pretty sure that's an official term) for under my lamp.  Critterbug and Cricket is available to make small, custom, home decor items for you too.  Always looking to expand my repertoire!

Celebrate: Sutton Turns 3!

Most of you know that Sutton is Dakota's best little buddy and his parents are some of mine and Jacob's best friends.  I still can't believe that the two of them are already 3 years old.  We've had a lot of fun memories watching the two of them together and will have a lot more to come.  Sutton's party took place at Kidz Kountry Petting Farm and it was so cute.  Dakota did great feeding the baby goat a bottle but then a goat snuck up on her and it all went downhill from there.  She was terrified of most of the animals but was brave enough to get on the pony and go for a ride towards the end.  Thanks for inviting us to your party Sutton!

Sutton and all of his buddies!

Feeding the baby goat a bottle!

LOVE my little farmers!

This face sums up her opinion on the animals but I'm proud of her for overcoming her fears and riding anyway.  Dakota absolutely loves animals but I guess she just prefers that they don't invade her space!

Such a natural cowboy!

Dakota and her friend Sydney riding the train with Chief Jeff.

Such cute cupcakes.  Way to go Carie, Mimi Fincher and Gigi Alley!

Celebrate: Palmer Turns 3!

You scream, I scream, we all scream for ICE CREAM!  Dakota celebrated her buddy Palmer's 3rd birthday on August 30 at Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream.  It was such a cute idea for a little ice cream party.  Palmer's mommy is one of my good friends and she never ceases to amaze me.  Let it be known that less than 24 hours later Tracy was at the hospital for a scheduled c-section for the birth of her 4th little girl!  Only Tracy could throw a party one day and have a baby the next :).

"Hmm...sprinkles or no sprinkles.  What a silly question!"

Palmer & her Gigi ready to blow out the candle.

I make the same face when I eat Ben & Jerry's. 

Something about ice cream makes your face light up!

No ice cream for this little man yet but at least he enjoyed Dakota's hat!

Congratulations on another beautiful girl Tracy & Ryan! 

I hope you don't mind I stole this picture off of your blog :).

Gardening: Cilantro & Cabbage Start

We've started gardening at the Cartner Lodge (That's what we're calling the house.  When you have a 10 12 (I stand corrected) point elk over your fireplace it only seems appropriate!).  Jacob and I have dreamed about gardening for years but kept waiting until we had the perfect space.  We now have the space and are enjoying this new hobby.  Jacob LOVES working in the yard.  I must admit though; I'm not so fond of it and I never really have been.  Gardening seems different because you get to enjoy the fruits (and vegetables and herbs) of your labor and it's quite rewarding.  First, we planted some cilantro and cabbage plants (shown below).  Then, this past weekend we planted some lettuce and broccoli seeds and also purchased a few basil plants.  We've already enjoyed making some salsa with our cilantro and our friend Lauren made us mozzarella, tomato and basil hors d'oeuvres.  Although Jacob did most of the work:  built the beds, prepared the soil, planted the plants/seeds (with a little help from Dakota), I have been pretty good about composting and watering the plants.  I imagine I'll be doing much more of the work when the harvests come in...canning, freezing, cooking, etc.  So it all evens out right?? :)  Anyway, we'll keep you updated on this new hobby of ours and hopefully we can learn to be less dependant on Kroger and more dependant on what is in our own backyard.

Thankful for little helpers with the watering!

Memphis Fun: Delta State Fair

To say Dakota had fun at the fair would be an understatement.  I really don't remember the last time I have been to the fair...or if I've ever been for that matter.  I really wanted to go this year because I knew that Dakota would have a blast.  Although Jacob wasn't quite as thrilled as I was (seeing as it cost about $50 in the first 10 minutes) his attitude quickly changed.  Dakota's face brightened on her very first ride and her excitement and smiles were quite contagious.  We bought her a pass where she could ride any of the rides as much as she wanted and we were so proud of her for getting on them by herself and trying things that she never would have tried a year ago.  My only disappointed was that we missed the dogs with monkeys on their backs...oh well, there is always next year!